On what I don't normally talk about

we're using the holidays and family coming into town as an impetus to get things done around here. while ollie is doing electrical work, which involves repeatedly turning the power on and off, i've had to take a break from my construction projects. i've lit the house with candles. and i've lounged in the hot tub three times already.

and now my pores are open.

maybe the steam has gotten to my head.

because i'm going to talk about religion. which is a matter that I DO NOT DISCUSS openly, much.

first let me say, i am a product of "this" culture (whatever that means...). i am a product of provo. i love the concept of "zion". know that concept? then i'm talking mostly to you.

as a kid (and beyond) i always wanted to have my oil ready in my lamp. just in case. i lived at the edge of my seat, an automaton for God. and then it gets weird...when everyone else was living the high life during their teen age years...i was volunteering to restock library books and help clean academy square on saturdays. when everyone else was going to parties and experimenting with life, i was reading about the dead sea scrolls, i had already read the old testament, every single word (several times as i kept wanting to get more out of it when it was just inducing deep sleep), i had read the BOM (and mostly enjoyed it) six times by the time i was 19, and of course hungered and thirsted after all hugh nibley, everything about polygamy and polyandry, journals of zina huntington smith young, journals of other early pioneer women, much of the journals of discourse, anything about the school of the prophets, richard bushman, fawn brodie, leonard arrington, YOU CAN SKIM OVER THIS LIST, miracle of forgiveness, the teachings and writings of spencer w. kimball, wilford woodruff's prophesies of doom, Jesus the Christ, of course the doctrine and covenants, the pearl of great price, and then i got a hold of software with the entire LDS library on it. i did topic research. i loved righteousness and mysticism and prophets. some of what i found had me in tears. i tried to bend my will to the doctrine as best as i could understand the law of sacrifice, etc. etc.

because i wanted that oil. for my lamp.

i cried when peers would take up smoking. i would argue with patricia anana krakoviak, the only polish catholic at provo high. i was a member missionary and really really really wanted her to convert. she entertained my arguments but never caved. she later became the youngest graduate from BYU, still a catholic.

i gave people spices for their food storage as presents. because people tend to overlook the spices.

and during much of this time...I ONLY LISTENED TO THE SOUNDTRACK OF OUR HEAVENLY FATHER'S PLAN over and over and over.

oh and some Erasure. because i wasn't completely crazy.

all these years later, after continually feeding my obsession with mormon history classes, a stint in the mormon history association, rubbing shoulders with many great teachers. having michael quinn to my house for dinner. having janice allred lend me her book about heavenly mother (it was too dense for me). Missing my favorite history professor who was fired from BYU, because he only went to church every other week making him less than fully active (as the story goes). having more than half of my friends leave the church...and i argued and pleaded with them to stay.

my heart has been broken. in several directions. because i LOVE conviction. I'm most comfortable being in conviction.

but i've since mostly put things aside. and wonder.

now i'm practicing listening to myself. instead of deferring to what an "authority" says, i ask myself "what do you think about this or that?" And then i get to find out!

i am blessed to have a hugely supportive husband. who trusts my process. even when i haven't trusted it, when i've been in the absolute thick of IT, he doesn't worry or try to correct. or even worse get hurt and defensive.

enough.

wow, i feel authentic. many of you already know all of the above. but, i steer clear of all "this", still sensitive subject. and anyway when i do tell you you don't believe i was ever this hyper religious (and way more....you can ask amy or my sister, use the code word "abbey").

soooo much love and BEST WISHES for you & your process,

quel, off to nurse a tequila...JUST KIDDING, gosh.