The Love Train
I just finished watching The Bachelor (on abc.com--these days it doesn't matter if you don't have tv. everything is online). And now I'm telling O'lover how i'd go about GETTING THE ROSE if he were the bachelor.

First of all, i would wear 100% silk--dyed a pale rose tan from red onions and chamomile tea. i wouldn't bother combing my hair or using product. (So far most of the other girls are disqualified because of O'lover's immediate detection of things such as nylon, rayon, and other synthetic fibers that he opposes.)

Then i would trash the place because come on it's just a set and everything is fake right? And out of my silk handbag i'd produce my glue and while the rest of the girls get tipsy or drunk, i would thank my lucky stars i was raised mormon and don't drink cause one sip and i'm an alcoholic singing made-up lullabies in a perfect stranger's ear, i just know it. and as a contender i have a strategy--which includes saving the lullabies for later.

And then the ripping begins and the embellishing, the piecing, the texturizing. THE FLURRY OF ARTISTIC ACTIVITY. O'lover is most impressed that i pause periodically to smile deliciously because come on baby you know what i'm doing...

"What else would i do to attract you honey?!" I just shouted to Oliver who is now in the kitchen breaking up a noisy cat/dog fight. "Wear green?" he just shouted back. Hmmmm. that worked in real life....but no, "I'm already wearing rose".

So back to the mansion. My only real competition is this clever girl who'd brought a can of spray paint:
I'd be really jealous but she always walks that way with a crick in her neck and bumping into furniture. Oliver likes someone who can be cuddly.

OH MY CORRUPTION!

i just realized i insulted bony-angular-girl so i could win MY lover's affection. SO UNCALLED FOR! okokokokokok. snap out of it. i don't have to be jealous or mean. Oliver is not the bachelor. we're already together.

OH GOOD.